Starting a new journey.

It's a bittersweet moment for me as I've put in my two weeks notice at work.  No job has ever brought me so much joy, which is why I'm so sad to leave.  I'm truly blessed to have worked with the moms and babies that I've grown to love and care for so much.  

But these past few weeks it's been more than difficult to leave my heartache at the door and go to work.  Some of my clients inspire me.  They know what's best for their babies and they'll do anything to do it.  But I also find myself getting frustrated seeing ones that clearly don't care about their children.  They know what's best for their babies, and they do what's most convenient for them.  For example, I find myself getting frustrated when I see a mom that decides to smoke while she's pregnant.  I wonder why something horrible has happened to my baby, when I would do anything, and have done everything, to make my child healthy.  I'd give her my legs if I could.  I'd die if it could somehow make her normal.  But nothing I can do will change anything.  Which is why I'm frustrated when I see moms that do have an opportunity to make their child healthier or give them a better life, and they choose not to take it.

Originally I thought I'd tough it out, for those ones that make my job worth it.  I planned on working through my pregnancy and then staying home to take care of my baby girl.  I wanted to take a month before my due date and spend it giving all my love and attention to my little boy.  After all, his life will be changing in some big ways, too.  Not only will we have a newborn arriving, with everything that comes along with that, but he's going to have a sister with a medical condition that is probably going to take a lot of our attention.  I don't know what her treatments will be yet, but it definitely won't be a normal life for any of us.  Nothing makes me more emotional than the thought of not being able to give him the attention that every child needs.  

But my emotional struggles aren't the thing that made me quit my job.  Unfortunately, this pregnancy has been physically difficult as well.  Some days I can hardly bend at the waist because of my back pain.  And my right leg is covered in painful varicose veins that make it difficult to walk.  I even went to the ER to check for a blood clot when my leg was painfully swollen and red.  (I didn't have a clot, thank goodness.)  I'm able to walk comfortably only when wearing compression stockings.   And not only do I look like an old woman, but in 100 degree weather, these things are not exactly comfortable.  I could never have imagined that at 23 years old and only 24 weeks pregnant, I would be having such a difficult time.  Which is why I'm going to spend the next three months floating in a pool and giving my attention to my sweet boy.  

Words of encouragement.

These past few weeks have been difficult for me in more ways than I can count.  I've struggled a lot with finding somebody to talk to.  I've been surprised to find that a lot of the words of comfort I've received had only made me feel worse.  And that's only because nobody I know can possibly imagine what I'm going through.  I don't even feel like my husband has any idea.  However, I am happy to have talked to a couple of other moms who have been through similarly tough situations.  Some of those moms had it tougher than I do, knowing prenatally that their baby may not survive.  But I found comfort in the fact that the Lord used those struggles for His plan, and that those women are now stronger and closer to God than they ever were before.

I also spoke to another mom whose daughter was born with fibular hemimelia.  Her words brought me to tears because she so clearly understands what I've been going through.  I've struggled a lot seeing other moms, my friends, family, clients, who all have normal babies.  None of them have to worry about what's going to happen after their child's birth.  None of them have to worry about painful surgeries, treatments, amputations.  It's the most depressing form of jealousy, and it's not something I'm proud of.  I can try to find comfort in God and in others, but I still worry and I still feel sad most of the time.  That's why these words touched me so much:

"I struggled with feeling like my daughter would not be 'normal' and through the years I've realized that I have something even better than normal. I have no doubt that your daughter's life will be a blessing to your family in ways you don't even know right now. She will live a happy, fulfilled life full of joy and part of that will be because of the strong mother you will be to her."

I'm so grateful for all the words of encouragement that I've received, and I can't imagine going through this without the wonderful support system we have in our friends and family.  But I hope that you all can understand that I'm going through something that most people will not understand, and I'm still trying to figure out what I need to cope with it, so if you don't know what to say, that's okay.